I received a few really really nasty comments recently. Insults coming from someone I don't even know, who was being really confusing and hurtful (first time I ever broke a mutual! Go me). And then there was another person who just didn't like my aura and felt the need to let me know. I know. Spread my happiness on your timeline. How dare I? ....Wait. What's that, right there? What? An unfollow button?
Sarcasm is not the most powerful tool and sometimes just the easy way out for me to deal with something, so I'll rein in the unicorn quips and cut to the chase.
It's a question I'm often asked, one that many bloggers or writers or artists or anyone who puts himself out there faces: How do you deal with negative criticism, mean comments, etc.? This topic spurred by definitely-not-the-first negative comment I received a few days ago, in reference to a post that, I'm sorry to say, contained happiness and positivity. Which is like, blasphemy, I guess. And there I go again, letting the sarcasm creep in which is, in case you didn't know, a little red flag we use to detour people from the hidden truth of Mean Comments Sometimes Hurt Our Feelings. And saying "we" and "our" to make that statement collective is another little red flag
I don't always read every single mention I get on Twitter. And it's very rare that I would respond to a negative one or even take the time to block them because I understand people have the right to not only formulate their opinion about me or my work, but they have a right to voice it.
I pick this particular occasion to write about this because the comment hit a lot of nerves and got me thinking. The people I love usually love me back, and there's a lot of love they show, that--I'll be honest--feels good, even though I think it's important to separate ourselves and our work from feedback, period. Being praised can be just as harmful as being criticized if you're not careful. Your work, your voice, your words, your art, your gifts you have to give to the world--their value has nothing to do with the response you receive from them. Social media can complicate that truth, and good feedback can trick you into thinking "I am good because people like what I put out there." That's not true. Ever.
Validation is an interesting thing though, and no matter how strong or unphased by criticism we are, there is an undeniable human desire to have people like what we feel passionate about--our art, our words, our stories, our styles, our writing, our opinions. It's why we sometimes feel hesitant to publish or share.
Writing is an outlet for me. An outlet that, without which, I'd go insane. I've hit the backspace key so many times, thinking "Better not. Someone might think it's rude" or "This might offend someone". I've been trying to do that less, but I still always wonder What will people think?
Let me answer that. If you share, if you publish, if you write, if you speak, if you are brave and decide to put yourself out there, I promise you, someone won't like it. Someone won't agree with you. Someone will misinterpret. Someone will think that you are silly, unqualified and that your work is crap. That you are crap. They might not just think it but they might tell you. And that won't feel good, especially not the first time you hear it. But it is necessary. And it's okay.
My friend Dani (@wonderfuitay if you want to follow) is a fabulous writer. She just recently showed me her Tumblr. She is funny and smart and brave in her writing. I read her stories and think "I want to write like that." But I wonder if she gets bad feedback. If she gets the same comments I do that spell out one thing: "You. Are. Crap."
I don't get mean comments often, but I've gotten enough to be able to say "I get it, I get it, I get it" to my friends when people are rude to them. I promise them that they will grow confidence and understanding faster than a Chia Pet grows sprouts--that it was good and normal they felt this way and that this whole experience would help them own their words, their style, their work and be proud of it. When Mila got anonymous hate, I told her that the hurtful words shared had nothing to do with Mila and everything to do with this commenter's pain or insecurities or desire to do what Mila is doing.
For me, receiving negative criticism has been an important tool in self awareness and owning my voice. I've gone from believing what mean comments pointed out (I am a horrible person and I suck at writing), getting angry with the people who wrote them (You are a horrible person and you suck at leaving comments) and doubting if writing publicly was really something I wanted to do to a completely different place of understanding and compassion--both for myself and the people who are hurting enough to project it in a carefully crafted you-are-crap comment. I have a dear friend, Becca (@zoeiia) who has helped me with this. She talks about pain--how we are all hurting--and she helps me see nastiness in the world as the need for more love. Does that sound unicornish? Maybe, but it has helped me move forward and embrace cutting comments both in and outside of this little Internet, as an opportunity to initiate more kindness. We've all been there--the hurting one.
Honesty is important too. It's easy to snap back at nastiness with "Sorry you're so miserable," but it's okay to simply acknowledge that, yep, it feels icky to hear or read bad things about ourselves. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves "Why does this bother me?" and to face the answers that awaken--maybe things that aren't easy to face. Growth follows.
Where does it get you in the end? Well, there is no end. And there shouldn't be because when we lose the ability to have our feelings hurt, we are no longer vulnerable. I love vulnerable art and writing and music and sharing. It's what makes it good.
The risk for criticism for any endeavor we take on is guaranteed. You face it bravely. You own your voice. You learn from the good and the bad and you use it to be better. Bill Cosby said, "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." I love that quote. I'm learning to live that quote, to teach it to my friends and family. Their happiness depends on it. And it's helped me focus on what I love to do and to navigate the path of "putting myself out there" with confidence.
If you don't agree with my opinions, that's ok. You're good. I'm good. We're going to think a lot of different things, some that contradict each other. But I'd like to think that someone out there needs to hear something that each of us has to say. If you say it's blue, there's someone out there who needs to hear it's blue and you just made their life so much better by being blue. Thank you for being blue, even if I'm not. If I say it's green, there's someone out there who needs to hear it's green, and thank God we can be green together. Blue and green are both good. I'd hate for the world to lose one of those colors.
If you say "I hate you, Naomi! Go stab a fork in your eye!!!" I take that as a reflection of you, and not me. I may not actually stab a fork in my eye, but I will look at your opinion and respect it. That's it.
I like pretty shoes and cupcakes and Taylor Swift and people who are sensitive to the world they're in. That's what I write about. I try to be open and understanding and kind.
My friends, especially the ones I've met on Twitter, they just get that, and I'm so grateful for each of them. (I don't have to name you guys. You know who you are.)
The way this all ties together is, I'm leaving Twitter for a few days to a week (or two) to chill out and chew on what I've learned and what people have told me. By the time I press "Compose Tweet" again, I hope I'll be a more accepting and sensitive person than I am now.
I will be back.
Naomi is out.
Side Note: I told myself I wouldn't address this, but now I feel like I need to. Whoever the anon is on Mila's ask.fm that keeps asking about me, please stop :) You're creepy and Mila has said that she's scared. I'm not jealous of Savanna and Mila's relationship. They're both perfect and they love each other, and I love them. Their relationship is actual magic and "Savanna and Mila" is one of my favorite things. You need to chill out with me, or take off the anon.
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