Little Changes, Good Changes

Turns out the run the other night was just the beginning, the preview of exorcisms to come.

Last night, it was the basket liner--the one that always slips down all cock-eyed every time I throw something small in, trapping necklaces and hair ties so no one can find them. I'd finally had it. I tossed a cat toy in and down it went, behind the liner, and I couldn't untie the little knots that secured it to the basket for the life of me. So I did what any self-respecting person would do. I lost it. I took the basket and dumped it upside down in a crazed upheaval that sent toys crashing to the wood floor - some I hadn't seen in years--and I ripped that #@$*!@& basket liner out and threw it away like it was the first step toward a more peaceful future. And it was.

Aw, hell done just broke loose. I weeded out toys. I dusted the coffee table. I assured a pile of clothes that Goodwill was a great place to live, and when I filled two garbage bags full of things I didn't need or want, I sat on my kitchen counter and convinced my mom to listen to one of my once-every-three-month really deep life conversations. And though this all may seem unnecessarily dramatic, I've realized this reaction is part of who I am. No matter how many personality quizzes I've taken--even if I try and alter the outcome by Christmas-treeing my way through questions, it is inevitable my diagnosis says "Hey, you're impulsive! Hey, you're emotional!" If emotions were an English breakfast tea, let's just say I let my tea steep so long and so strong until just a sip of it demands action: spit it out, throw it out, make new tea, talk about the tea, write a tea thesis. Get a degree in tea studies, start a tea company and change the tea world. I've long tried to balance things better--slower, more thoughtful, more analyzed but, at the same time, concentrated emotion propels me into action in some sort of revolutionary way. I can honestly say I know myself well enough to believe the shock and heightened emotion of moments I'm not expecting are important for me. Deprogramming, in a way. A distinct slate-cleansing beginning.

I'm all about clean slate beginnings. The important issue, regardless of whether we attend to every quiet emotion the second it arises or wait until things are a great big ball of "you better fix this shiz," is that we attend to emotions at all. Listen to them, learn from them.

There is no life-altering crisis here. In fact, a mind x-ray would reveal things that might be trite and silly to some, hardly reason for a deep life conversation or going insane on a basket. There are however a lot of little things I can change right now--bad habits, inattentive routines, shift of focus.
For all the times I spent crying on my bed when I was younger because, God forbid, my world was changing a little bit, I've realized somewhere around May, I developed a healty addiction to the very thing I've hated my whole life...change. Change is growth, and without it we are stagnant. Stale. Boring.

Shake it up, baby.

We talked about change last night. About wanting to be better and making deliberate efforts to deposit time and affection into our family. When things get busy, it is so easy to go on twitter and cry that my world is falling apart, eat ordered chinese food, throw towels next to the bathtub, scratch washing my face before bed. But like I've said before, it doesn't feel good after a while. And I want to feel good.

So I wrote a tea thesis. Took change to the tenth power and deprogrammed--or rather reprogrammed--little things around the house that seemed symbolic. Rearranged my posters and decorations, checked some things off of my bucket list, packed up the old clothes and put them away. No "becca please save me I'm dying" today. New accessible book stacks and puzzle piles.

Today was quiet and thoughtful and felt a little bit new. I dug up a pair of shoes I haven't worn in ages. Twisted my hair into braids for something different. Chose an alternate path to my friend's house.

I used to think emotional "funks" would just ride out on their own--grab a board, ride the wave. I find more comfort now though in the truth they hold. Funks aren't the cause of emotions; they are the effect--messages to which we need to listen and respond.

Whether our response is monumental or something as simple as rearranging your room or cleaning out a storage basket, it's the action of responding that is empowering--funk-erasing.

I'm finding such clarity in just the initiation of changed behaviors. I moved a poetry book to my nightstand this morning, added a couple new items to my bucket list today, had an ice cream date with new friends.

And I feel invigorated. Ready to take on the tea world.

Weekend: We ate cake.

Want the satisfaction of feeling all adventurous-go-get-'em without really having to go get 'em? Make a bucket list of very doable things and then do them. Cross them off your list with a big fat red marker just for the heck of it. With my Summer Bucket List, I've already added and crossed off a lot of things.

Like...
Eat day-old birthday cake using my hands for a plate. Check.
Brush my teeth with Dora bubble gum toothpaste. Check.
Do a horrible job painting my finger nails and don't bother to clean up the smudges. Check, check.

Ooooh, look at me, I'm knockin' off my bucket list.

'Tis true, there are cake crumbs, a bubble gum after taste and a manicure that looks like I painted my fingers with a blindfold. I ran out of polish remover. Thankfully, I've already scraped off most of it.

Fourth of July Recap

Oh hi.

So Thursday was America's Independence Day. And I'm an American. Yup.

The first part of the day was spent watching a Victorious marathon. Then we went to the store and bought chips and soda and we watched the last hour of the Elizabeth Smart story. After that I went to Kate's house feeling very patriotic.

We went to the Farmer's Market, then we went to a memorial for a boy that, sadly, got killed at the Farmer's Market two weeks before. After listening to people honor him in Spanish (which means I understood nothing) we heard fireworks lighting off down the street so we ran to the yard and stood on a pile of tires.

At this point we're staring down the street off into the distance with a fence right behind us. And everything is really quiet. And then right behind us, in the next yard, a firework lit off and terrified us.

We reacted appropriately.
Like we maybe fell off the tire.


The next thing we did (and the best thing we did) was drive down the freeway and watch fireworks light off EVERYWHERE. The pictures were taken in a system of "rapid clicking" where I just take pictures without stopping, watch the fireworks, and hope I get some good ones.

God bless America.

If You Give A Girl A List, She's Going To Want To Cross Things Off

I've said "Summer bucket list, check!" about 10 times in the past 3 days. Like laying under the stars for 3 hours. And cheesy spaghetti that I made with no help except "Please open this can of tomato sauce. Thanks, wait, no! - I want to pour it!!!" And french braids, plus fishtails, plus the french fishtail I'm wearing right now. And construction paper with quotes written on them that proudly hang above my bed. And photos printed.

We've even completed things that I didn't even know were on the list. Like flower wreaths for our hair. And spinning together in new skirts. And kitties exploring the night life because someone (me) stupidly left the door open - but he came back because he loves us. (Not because we buy him gourmet cat food....) And writing our thoughts on rocks, then hiding them in the yard so that whoever moves into our house after we leave, will find them. And coming home after Mom went to the store, to find plants that are taller than I am, and purple daisies and roses and wisteria that graze the floor and make our house and yard smell amazing. And planning our trip to Alaska - next summer hopefully.

Yeah. It's not so bad to enjoy small things and kind of avoid big things that require lots of work.



And now, I'm off to the streets with friends...... there are fireworks to be lit.

Happy Independence Day Eve to all Americans :)

I'm so proud to be a part of this country.