Summer (so far)

We're 3 weeks into summer vacation now, and I'm realizing I need to pace myself a little here. The gun went off, the race started, and I gave it all I had this month. All days filled with "yes, let's do it". I can't help it. I kind of feel like an overenthusiastic puppy. Jumping, panting, chasing my tail, looking for someone to play with. Hey, want to go to the park? Hey, want to go to the beach? Who wants to have a water balloon fight? Let's go! Let's see! Let's do!

The earth must be shifting. Or Saturn is crossing over Jupiter or whatever it means in the planet world when things are miraculously out of the ordinary. I know this because I've kept up academically, socially, and personally all at once for... wait for it... two. weeks. straight.

And now that I've got this groove going, I'm obsessed with not losing it. Like, if a teacher at the summer institute at my high school shows us yet another video on graduation requirements--the same thing I've been seeing and consequently memorizing for the last 3 months--I compulsively write down everything I hear, like how the UC college system requires 4 years of math while the CSU college system only requires 3. And if I see that I have a single message or tweet, I jump to reply even if it's completely irrelevant. And if I'm bored and I have a perfectly good reason to just watch TV or do nothing important, I instead spend that time pursuing writing or taking pictures. Or asking everyone I meet if they want to go to the beach or the park or have a water balloon fight, respectively.


I've signed up for different courses, started learning 2 languages, found tickets to another country, researched countless things, and read 4 books. Oh, and I graduated middle school. That was cool.

But I already know all of that is going to catch up with me very soon and I'll have a mental, emotional, and physical break down all at once. It'll all blow up in my face, and I know this because it's happened enough times that I can expect it. BUT, for now I'm accomplishing a lot. I await the impending doom.

I need to simmer down a little. There's a long race left to go.

Have a good week :-)

rafaella's birthday post think of a better name later

Some worlds are meant to collide. You may not know how important they are until the stars align in such a way that they leave a constellation in the sky. The more stars that join the constellation, the further it stretches across the celestial sphere, incapable of being ignored from those who look up. Last summer, a few stars aligned.

I am not sure what I believe about how God crosses the paths of people.

But with her, I am certain that my soul needed her soul in this life.

I wish I could really find the words to describe the kind of person she is. How tender her heart is towards the blessed souls that call themselves her friends. What it's like to be witness to this magical love.

And just typing the beginning of this post has me all sentimental and switching to the Twitter tab to tell her that I adore her more than anything. Because speaking of Rafa as a friend is a language of its own. It is magic. It is beauty. It is as if every cell in her body has been blessed with best friend genes--the kind that know instinctively how to cheer someone up or make them feel recognized or loved or cared about... and the list goes on.

And while I can't seem to recall exactly how we discovered each other, before we skyped, before we messaged, before I cried tears in front of her over a webcam and she initiated the healing process of a broken part of me--before all that, I watched her begin her twitter account. And I saw something then. I saw the way she put herself out there to talk to people that many considered intimidating, how she was vulnerable and honest. I remember thinking about how happy I was that she didn't care in the slightest about how I had thousands of followers, and she still introduced herself and talked to me. And recounting all of this now, I am so happy I think my heart might burst. I'm thankful for that every day.

I was lucky to have known Rafa when she first began her account, but when we became close, I discovered a new kind of magic. The kind of internal beauty you can see. The kind of magic you know when she confides in you with her stories of betrayal, sadness, regret, love, happiness, life, and all the while, she shows you what love looks like. The kind of love that rips you apart every time she insults herself or criticizes herself. For the record, those times scare me to the point that I can hardly breathe but they are few and far between and I find comfort in that. Everyone has bad days. And everyone needs to be reassured that those days will soon be long gone memories and the happy, vibrant, wonderful days will take their place and outweigh them many times over.

***

And, while tempted to start shooting off a rote list of what I love about her, it doesn't seem right for the place I'm at tonight. Yes, it seems an actual place, with it's own longitude and latitude, a place where I have taken residence. A place that cannot bear some cliche title like "thankful" or "gratitude". It is a real place with, yes, some dark corners and fixer-upper fields (the price that comes with caring about someone). I have walked its paths and met its people. And overall, there is just so much beauty here. The longer I stay, the more I see.

We are so different in countless ways. She's twenty one and I'm fourteen and she'll never stop making fun of me for being so young (and vice versa), but in all honesty, I would miss her teasing if she stopped. She lives in Brazil and I live in California. I look forward to visiting Brazil next summer and hopefully meeting her. But that's a year from now and if she'd like to show up at my door anytime soon for an unexpected visit, I'd die a million deaths and be forever grateful. Just sayin'.

The point is, we're different. Very different. But we love each other. And we're curious about each other. And we both love Taylor Swift and books and finding new ways to connect. Tomatoes tomahtoes, we're really pretty much the same people.

How awesome it is that in a world of so many differences, when you really get to know people and open yourself up in an honest way to learn something...you'll discover how very much the same we really are. I find such comfort in that sameness.

***

(the ***'s basically translate to "hey, this post has no theme! prepare for jolting subject change!)

***

For the last year, she has emitted love and joy into the lives of people she's never met face-to-face. She has reaped invaluable happiness to us. And sometimes I use the word "us" to make that sentence collective and to water down the fact that it's personal. That she has reaped invaluable happiness to me.

She never fails to make me happy. Ever. Even when I'm crying my eyes out and literally shaking with emotional pain right in front of her eyes on skype, she can make me happy. That day was important, you know. I was overwhelmed with love. I'll never forget what it felt like to be changed so instantly by her response to my breakdown. She can make me happy just with her smile that brightens my mood, if not my soul.

So I guess that's all for the prerequisite. If you're friends with Rafa, you know all of this already. It's kind of a choppy transition, and I don't know that I can write a letter that is worthy of the love behind her. I do know that I can not describe to you all of who she is because she is complex and unpredictable and too entirely her own self to be confined to sentences and adjectives and my fingers on a keyboard. But I will try to depict to you the crazy way my soul has grown into hers and how absolutely beautiful she is between her vibrancy and kindness and inquisitivity and gentleness. And that may not be easy to do, but I swear if you speak to her, even anonymously on ask.fm, you will come into contact with the single most resplendent and taking human being I've ever known. No kidding.

Without further ado,

***

Rafa,

It hurts to write this. The good hurt. And not just because you're like my sister and that whole messy line of "how have we been friends for a year how fast time flies." True indeed. But it's so much more than that.

It's the celebration of your life and everything you mean to the people who know you.

But any attempt to attach words to something so far from simple seems lowly. Cliche. I could use "magic", but then again, magic is tricks. Magic is hype and smoke and illusions. Your magic is anything but. And when I try to attach words to something so far from simple, I sometimes fear that I cheapen what really is unspeakable.

At 21, you are a perfectly open emotional soul. I like 21. It's beauty in all of its honesty.

I love this friendship we have, and I love it because I get to spend it with you. I will always be applauding you and the way you love. I've never seen anything like it. And it doesn't go unnoticed by anyone who happens to be blessed enough to watch you in action. I can't wait until the day we meet in person, and I can show you how much you really mean to me. How much this legacy of love and caring you are giving me will truly shape me into the person I know I will be. I know I will be vibrant and I know I will love, because you show me how.

You are an amazing musician, a creative force, an alluring combination of talent and story and singing and books. The first time I heard you sing, I was equally captivated by your voice and intimidated because of my total lack in vocal chords and harmony.

I can compare our differences immediately. Your hair is dyed a deep brown. You have blue eyes. So do I. Mine are mixed in with a muted gray, and yours are bright and beautiful. You speak like a poem. You tell stories that make me laugh and you deliver them as soulfully as you sing your songs. You act them out, own every word, every flaw, every amazing thing, every awful thing. You hide nothing, submit to nothing. There’s a sort of freedom that you breathe as if the gates between your true creative self and what you express are not just open--they're non-existent, and I envy it.

I see kind and vulnerable and confident. You tell your story through your love of books and people and the world and the songs you sing about your city from your kitchen.

I'm so fortunate to call you one of my best friends. And writing about you has made me so much more entirely grateful for the magic we have and the magic you are. I am continually astounded at the way your heart, your mind, your core... are taking in as much of this world as they can and yet, you are still giving back. 

You radiate joy and life and spirit, and what a marvelous journey it is to be a part of that. I'm learning more about what that means every day. I'll sometimes forget how blessed I am to know you. I might get frustrated or tired or a little impatient when I'm trying to explain something to you or when I'm waiting for you to skype with me (I am STILL waiting).

Let me tell you something though. This feeling I'm feeling right now on your birthday? It's going to come again and again and again. In between boring days or days we don't agree or even days where one of us doesn't even go online or interact, through exhaustion and sadness and anger. My heart will always be overjoyed with knowing you and loving you.

We have quite a different relationship than pairs of friends who meet in "real life"; face-to-face. And with that comes a different appreciation for friendship. Not a better one, persay--but a different one. Being that we live in different parts of the world, it's sometimes hard. I can tell you're a little nervous about the future sometimes. I am too. I have replayed in my mind so many times what the future will look like. I want you to be happy. I want you to run out into the world and feel the opportunity that exists between those oceans, in those books, through those people. You might not feel it right away, and that's the hard part for me. Because I won't be there to hug you or hold your hand or whatever it is you would need in that situation. I can't be there when you're feeling a little bit insecure, reminding you of your strengths and the happiness that exists around you.

But I'm here in a different way (Girl, I am always here...you can't get rid of me). Thinking of you. Looking forward to your tweets and stories. And knowing that we are both always growing and learning.

And before I start spinning off into a rabbit hole of metaphors and quoting singers, let me cut to the chase.

Dude, you have a light that can not be extinguished. I will always admire that light. From the day I met you, and beyond, and forevermore, I will be in awe of you. And I love your light. And I love you. With a love that is deeper and purer and is so infinite that it can not be shaken. 

Thinking about you, loving you, knowing you is heaven. And I can say now that my world would be a less of a place without you.

My dream for you, on your 21st birthday, is to have a big, beautiful life. It doesn't matter where you do it or how you do it. Just make it beautiful. Fill it with laughter and love and people who make you happy. Give something of yourself every day...and you will be given in return.

And I, along with so many others, will love you all the while.

You are everything I've ever wanted in a friend.

Happy birthday, Rafa.

Love you forever.
Naomi

***

So there. She's 21 (even older). I am so proud to be her friend.

And honored. And thankful. Beyond measure.

Happy birthday. I love you.