Observance and Writing

I am undoubtedly a people person. I come alive in airports, on dance floors, crushed between bodies at concerts. I call people in the car on a four-minute drive so I can talk my way from my house to the nearest store, and I hug instead of shake hands. It’s not that I don’t like to be alone—I dream of island hammocks and quiet mountain hikes. It’s that I’ve forgotten how to really be alone. I’ve fallen victim to bad habits that have trained me to think I need to be stimulated—my family, my friends, my tablet, my house, my twitter. I need to be doing something because there’s always something to be done. And when I’m alone, I twitch. My solitude muscles have atrophied.

I don't like that so I kind of want to make an attepmt to be alone next week. I digress.

I wasn't a very observant person before last year. I thought about what my hair looked like, if my skin was broken out or not (I don't even know why because my skin doesn't do that) and what people were thinking about me. And that last one? One of the most powerful realizations one can come to in life is accepting that people are not thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves. That sounds harsh, but it's true. If you only realized how much people don't recognize your hair or your skin or your jean size because they're worried about their own hair, skin and jean size--well, it takes a lot of pressure off. Thank God.

I've always thought about people in an "Are they hurting?" kind of way because I believe that's a special gift I was given. My parents say when I was very young, on more than one occasion, I asked to leave my family's table at a restaurant to sit with an elderly who ate alone because it made me sad. My presence could have very well annoyed these poor grandmas who, for the love of God, just wanted a chance to be alone, but that gift of knowing when to butt out of people's lives and let them be hadn't yet been bestowed. I'm still waiting for that one.

So I thought a lot about myself. And I thought about people who were hurting--at least the ones in my direct line of vision. But that was about it. The rest of the world, the lessons hidden in my environment, the way light hits the trees late in the afternoon or how, if you look closely, snowflakes aren't just flakes but intricate symmetrical crystals--I didn't take the time to really notice.
It used to drive my mom crazy. She drove me home from school, and she'd point out everything on our drives--flowers, houses with cool front doors, new coffee shops with eye-catching signs.

"Did you see those hostas back there? They were huge!," she'd exclaim. And I'd answer "What hostas?" because I was too busy thinking about how the car window was reflecting my bangs back to me and I could see that they were crooked.

She'd scold me. "You don't notice things." And I'd argue "Yes I do," quickly covering my lack of observance with the first hint of beauty I saw out the car window. "Those tulips--yes, I saw them." She'd laugh and remind me of just how oblivious I was to my environment, digging up the Proof of All Proof stories--that one time when I was biking out of my friends' driveway, unaware of the three bags of garbage directly in front of me. As the story goes, my friends jumped up and down, waving and shouting, alerting me of the garbage, but the freeway on the other side of the wall was so loud and I was already far away so I didn't hear them. So I waved back thinking it was just an enthusiastic goodbye. And I kept biking and waving, ripping garbage bags to shreds and dragging pop cans and milk jugs and moldy paper towels down the dirt road. I didn't even notice until the bike nearly fell over. Still waving. Still smiling. Because those sweet friends were giving me the enthusiastic goodbye of a lifetime. So, I guess I couldn't argue with that story. Yes, I was oblivious to a lot of things.

A lot happened in the year that followed. I created a twitter which was huge -- you guys pointed things out and taught me how to think for myself. I suddenly noticed everything, from controversial and sensitive topics, to how awesome my pets are. I like that Joel's toes look like beans. I want to write sonnets about Abby's eyelashes.


I think, for me though, observance of the world around me truly took a new meaning when I started writing and taking pictures.
When it comes to complicated technical camera knowledge, I feel small compared to many of the great minds in the photography world who study and teach these things every day. I am confident behind my own camera though, and I have learned a lot from others--things I'm willing to share. The more I think about it though, I realize I can share the story of why I take pictures--how photography changed me in a lot of ways and makes me more aware of everything the world has to offer. It plays an important role in my life, and my journey behind the camera mirrors my personal journey closely, especially the last few years. I am excited to share this journey, and the scattered notes and favorite photos (okay, embarrassing over-edited ones too) that are piling up as I prepare can attest to my excitement.

Similarly, writing has made me more aware of everything--not only the world around me, but my own feelings and judgments and opportunities for improvement as well. Writing almost every day naturally stimulates these "What am I going to write about?" receptors. And while I cannot go about life searching for things to write about--life needs to happen first--I do find that since writing, I think a little more deeply. I let myself become more vulnerable, I push myself to discover more, to read more, to fill up the wells within so that I have something to write about (which translates to "something to think about," "something to live by," "something to make me change" or fill-in-the-blank as you wish). It's a complicated, wonderful cycle of input and output, and these two principles depend upon each other.


So this afternoon as I went through my weekend photos and sat down to write, I couldn't help but notice how much easier it gets to put something on paper because I am learning to observe, to listen, and to be aware. Yes, there will always be writer's block and periods of quiet inspiration. But I wait--because there is always something to write about. There are always moments to capture. The things we choose are just a fraction of the things that await our attention.

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It's Tuesday. We're off to a good start.



Little Lights Shine

If half-consciously typing out "Kingdom Lights Shine"in the "name this blog" window a year and a half ago marks the wedding anniversary for me and Lights Shine (he's a handsome one I tell ya) then consider this past year and a half our marriage. And just like my mom and stepdad are not frolicking in a field of daisies talking about their love every moment of every day, Lights Shine and I don't constantly make out. Our relationship evolves just as any other relationship does--through good and bad. The bottom line is, I know I love shining lights and seeing others' lights shine--when we're together and jiving like we should, I'm my very best self. But a year and a half together also means we get in ruts and take each other for granted sometimes. And I'll be the first to tell you that while I wholeheartedly believe in sucking the marrow out of life and noticing beautiful things around me, it's easy to get swept up in Life. When I started this blog, it was easy--it rained lights every day. I was in the honeymoon phase of both teen-ages and my carefree summer days, and it was completely natural to be all, "Look at that sky! Look at this flower! Look at that piece of fuzz--isn't life beautiful?" Life is a bit more complicated now. With new scars, new experiences, more goals, more worries, new relationships and a few layers of naivety peeled off the 12-year-old girl who started this blog, "kingdom lights shine" evolves too. As does "theairwascold". And I'm glad it does. I always think it's funny when people say "your twitter has changed" as if that's a bad thing. I have a lot of goals in life, but I'm pretty damn sure "staying the same girl and never changing" isn't one of them.

I started a redesign project of this blog eight months ago. I checked out twitter accounts and blogs for inspiration, figured out some ideas and then told myself I'd get everything together that I needed and do it. And then I didn't. Because I've been paralyzed in thinking about what I want this space to be. As if I have to have everything figured out perfectly before I can start--as if it can never change after I hit publish.

One of my favorite moments in the movie Bridesmaids is this lady fight that breaks out between Helen and Annie, concealed behind fake smiles and forced politeness. Arguing over whether their friend Lillian has grown to like sports since childhood or not, they launch into a hilarious dispute of who knows her better.

Do people really change?
I think they do.
Yeah, but I mean like, still stay who they are pretty much.
I think we change all the time.
I think we stay the same, but grow, I guess, a little bit.
I think if you're growing, then you're changing.

And this escalates until they're ready to take it to fisticuffs.

But they're BOTH true.

Every experience you've ever been through, every person you've ever loved, every lesson you've ever learned, every trend you ever adopted, every book you've ever read, every life mantra you've ever quoted--it's all part of you. I don't look at change as swapping out but rather adding to--we are everything we've always been but more with each experience.

I'm rewriting the "About This Blog" tab today to begin shifting things over to a new site, and I'm excited about going into this with no expectation of perfection and with the opportunity to evolve with time. It's sort of a vow renewal for me and Lights Shine, and it comes at a perfect time. This past week, we recommitted to each other. More connection, more reading, more music, more quiet mornings, more holding hands, more beach, more reaching toward the things that make me better and distancing myself from the things that don't.

I think we change all the time.
I think we stay the same, but grow, I guess, a little bit.To everything we've always been...and more.

Beach

I get skittish when I'm uninspired, especially when a task at hand requires inspiration. I want to feel bolts of lightning, swells of creativity, flashes of passion that fuel me to make, bake, write, capture, click, run, sing, fly. But, as Brenda Ueland says, "inspiration does not come like a bolt...it comes into us slowly and quietly and all the time, though we must regularly and every day give a little chance to start flowing...prime it with a little solitude and idleness."

But sometimes, I still want the bolt.
I had a couple things I needed to finish last weekend, and I just wasn't feeling it. No bolt, no swell, no flash. So my mom, in a moment of brilliance and glory, says "Why don't you take your tablet out into the yard?"—which might elicit knee-slapping guffaws from anyone else but I'm all, "Yes. Out into the trees and dirt and grass to come alive." Cool right?

So I go, hauling a broken beach chair, my tablet, a pair of headphones and a can of sprite through the entrance into our yard, past the prickly tree, and just a few more steps until I've found the perfect area. A blanket of dried pine needles beneath me, a canopy of blue sky above me. And I'm sitting there in my pajamas and my rain boots, facing the deep part of the yard and trees so my back is to the houses—except our trees aren't really thick and enchanted but more sparse and open—so it dawns on me that neighbors can see me. And this is funny. A girl in pajamas and rain boots, drinking a sprite, sitting in a broken chair in the middle of a bunch of trees...with a tablet. Yes, funny. But I get over it, slipping my headphones on, humming to Demi Lovato, furiously typing while occasionally, a random squirrel flying this close to my head stops my heart. Suddenly, I am inspired. I am motivated. I am electrified by the bolt. This working in the yard thing is so happening again.

So we went to the beach a few weeks ago and I really wanted to blog about it.

I wish I could really describe what it's like. When we're there and all the planets are aligned and things are just as they should be...and there are constant moments of thinking, This here? This is beautiful. I know I say 'beautiful' all the time on this blog, but it is and, for all the posts I've dedicated to the beach, today's is perhaps the summit while all the others were just stops on the climb. Because a few weeks ago, when I was there, I saw the entire landscape--things I've never seen before--and there, on the beach with my family and my puppy, I staked my claim and raised my flag. This is our beach where all the good in our life is turned up a few notches and all we have to do is enjoy it.

And when the sun sinks low, we kiss the day goodbye. That day, we first danced in the sunset to beach tunes and then we huddled around to play the "If Game." If you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would it be? If you could vacation anywhere in the world for seven days right now, where would it be? If you could... And the questions continued as we laughed and teased about answers.

"Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth - boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination." ~Robert Fulghum

Happy

Dear Liz, Clara, Thea, Mikayla, Grace, Amber, Brooke, Serena, Meenal, Sofi, Pauline, Omar, Montana, Claire, Chesca, Carina, Sofia, Olivia, Michelle, Eve, Daena, Katy, Hudson, Selina, Russell, Josie, Sofia, Taylor, Chris, Mary Paige, Sophie, Becca, Saanya, Dani, Keryna, Rafa, Beth, Georgia, Mila, Joyce, Mia, Laura, Ria and Ari,

Hello everyone! So the last time I did an all-call to the mutuals post, it was because everyone seemed so sad or lost or generally unhappy. So I wrote "Be Beautiful" for you guys and a lot of you said it helped you and that it came at the right time. The same thing has been happening this week and I really wanted to do this for you guys again. 

People often ask me how I'm always so happy and positive, and while that isn't always the case, I do try to be as full of life and grateful as possible.

Number one: if you want to be happy, you have to be happy on purpose. Abraham Lincoln said "most people are as happy as they've decided to be."

Number two: keep your life in the right perspective. Most of us have something to be happy about right now: our health, our friends, our family, or an opportunity. 

I've found we create much of our own unhappiness. We always see what's wrong rather than what's right. And I understand that sometimes it can be so, so hard to see the good in a situation. I understand because I've been there, and it's not fun. 

But here's what you need to do. Wake up in the morning and go through the day singing and enjoying life, regardless of the circumstances. That's how to start off each day. Put a smile on your face, even if it's fake. Fake it until it's real. Smiling tricks the body into feeling good. Go out into the day and be determined to enjoy it.

If it's a problem you have within yourself, look into the mirror and say "Listen here, self. Cheer up. Put on a new attitude. We're not staying down. We're not staying defeated." 

When dark clouds are over your head and you feel like life is depressing, always remember that right above those dark clouds the sun is shining. You may not be able to see the sun in your life right now, but that doesn't mean it's not up there. The dark clouds will not stay forever. The sun will shine in your life once again.

If it's a problem with other people, I have more to tell you about that because that's the pain I know. I've learned a few things about that.

What a person says about you does not define who you are. His or her opinion of you does not determine your self-worth. This person has every right to have an opinion, and you have every right to ignore it. I've found that some people feel it is their calling in life to point out what others are doing wrong and where others are missing it. They're constantly critical, always finding fault. Rise above that. You do not need them to agree with you. You do not need to win their approval. Let that go, and just be who you were made to be.

You don't have to respond to every critic. You don't have to prove yourself to them. Some who will cross your path simply don't want peace with you. No matter what you say or do, they will not be won over. Even if you were to change, they would still find some reason to be critical. You have to accept the fact that no matter what you do, some people will never be at peace with you.

When you have your strength under control, you realize "I'm bigger than this. I will not let them pull me down. I have places to go, goals to accomplish, dreams to realize."

Now how do I move forward without seeming jolting?

For me, a big part of being happy is about being grateful.

If you struggle with staying encouraged and staying grateful, make a list of everything you've been blessed with. If you have your health, write it down as an asset. If your vision is good, write that down too. The same with your school, your friends, your family. Make that list and then go over it throughout the day. One of my New Year resolutions is to write down at least one thing that made me happy that day.

You have to realize that every day is a gift. What a shame to live this day or any other day defeated, depressed, negative, complaining, with no enthusiasm. We all have obstacles. We all have things to overcome, but our attitude should be: "I'm not living this day sad or negatively or focused on what I don't have. I'm changing my perspective. Thank God I'm alive. Thank God I'm breathing. Thank God I'm healthy. Thank God for my family. I'm living every day to the fullest."

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Remember to always be joyful and glad-hearted in rough times, because when you lose your joy, you lose your strength. You need your strength more than ever in these times, and your strength is dependent on your joy.

You can keep your joy by knowing that on the other side of every test is promotion. On the other side of every setback is opportunity. On the other side of every offense is growth. The difficulties you face are not there to defeat you. They are there to increase you. Just remember "Even though this is hard, even though I don't understand it, even though it's not fair, I'll keep a good attitude and stay full of joy, knowing that this is not setting me back. It is setting me up to get to the other side of this in an even better position."

We can all celebrate and be grateful when we're on the mountaintop, but where are the people who keep their happiness even as the bottom falls out? Where are all the people who wake up in the morning prepared for victory despite all the news reports predicting doom and gloom? I believe you are one of those people. I believe in you with great faith. Your roots go down deep. You're doing the right thing even though the wrong thing is happening.

You have to come to a place where you can say "I don't have to have my way to have a good day. My plans don't have to work out for me to be happy. Everybody doesn't have to treat me right for my life to be enjoyable. I have already made up my mind: No matter what does or doesn't happen, I will stay in peace and enjoy this day."

When a bus hits you and you're lying in the street, it might take you a little while before you can stand up again.
And sometimes, when you go to stand up, your legs won't come with you...because, well because they got hit by a bus.
So, you lie back down and absorb the feeling of that pavement and feel the pain a bit longer. But then you try again. Eventually, the feeling returns to your legs...even if it's temporary.

The thing is, I hate being sad. I hate being negative. And while I may be teased on my over-positivity, I too wallow in a bad mood from time to time. However, I've found I am quite healed by the Fake It Till You Make It Strategy--searching for the good (and there's lots to find), writing about the good, taking pictures of the good, talking about the good--basically bathing in the many little things that bring joy to our life until I am no longer faking it, I believe it completely and have allowed the good to rise above the bad in that ever present glass of "Half Full." Unrealistic? Perhaps, but I don't think so. Regardless, I'd much rather live life as an unrealistic optimist than a realistic miserable pessimist. It's so much more fun.

Thinking of any of you struggling or failing or being sad breaks my heart into a million pieces, so please, please try to use this post.

I love you all so much. I love you just the way you are. You can be annoying, awkward, difficult, loud, messy, stubborn, insensible, and good god you've been known to say strange things. But you make my life so much better. Thank you for making everything in this world more beautiful just by being you. You guys bring light to every little thing in my life. Because of you, I have a new found belief of goodness in the human race. I like to play the cool and confident role from time to time, but let's face it...no one is too cool or confident to not be affected in this extremely motivating and beautiful-self-worth way by the incredible things you have given to me in your words. And they are so incredibly touching. There's just so many good people who really do care about others who are hurting. You are honestly one of the main sources of my happiness. Thank you just for being you. I love you I love you I love you.

Love,

Naomi